1
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,119
HE GRUNTS

2
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,199
HE MUMBLES

3
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,320
Morning. Morning.

4
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,719
You're... in a coffin.

5
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,799
I am, yes.

6
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,479
Do you want to talk about that,
or...?

7
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:49,199
Well, John Docherty over at Broom
of Moy was selling it on the online,

8
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:53,079
and he gave me a very good price,
if that's what you're worried about.

9
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,119
That's not what I'm worried about.

10
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,479
Yeah, I was just sort of trying it
out and I must have drifted off,

11
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,119
which is exactly what it's for,
to be fair.

12
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:05,239
What time is it, by the way?
Oh, it's 11:30.

13
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,839
Is that you just out your pit?

14
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:12,039
Says the man literally
lying in a coffin. Eh?

15
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,479
Get out the coffin, Dad.

16
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:14,999
No, I won't get out the coffin.

17
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,519
Get out of the coffin, Dad.

18
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:18,519
I will not get out of the coffin,
Richard.

19
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,799
OK, fine.
Then I'm going back to bed.

20
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,800
Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine!

21
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,319
I still think we should email the
producers about doing a spin-off.

22
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,599
We could call it
Dr Sparrow's Casebook.

23
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,599
Not this again. If anyone should get
a spin-off, it should be me.

24
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,079
Judge Baskir was better
than your character.

25
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,759
{\an8}Why can't it be about my character?

26
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,519
{\an8}Because your character's dead,
Terry. Oh, yeah.

27
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,159
IN-GAME VOICE: Headshot!
Sorry, Terry.

28
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,719
No, that's fine, I shouldn't have
been standing there.

29
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,079
Are you actually planning on
getting dressed today?

30
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,959
One sec, guys, my flatmate wants
to ask me a question.

31
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,559
Can I help you? I am not letting you
waste another day

32
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:01,759
playing this silly computer game
with your sad little actor pals.

33
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,519
We're not sad little actor pals.

34
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,479
Although I'm a bit concerned
about Terry. He's almost 60.

35
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,439
Yeah, 62, actually.

36
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:09,759
Headphones - mute.

37
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,239
Listen, just because Norway
didn't work out

38
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,079
doesn't mean you have to give up
on life!

39
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:16,319
I've not given up on life.

40
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,559
I have.

41
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,319
Oh, bloody headphones!

42
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,239
Meanwhile, I've got to creep
about the town

43
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,799
pretending you're
still in blooming Norway.

44
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,119
No guesses for what we're eating
come the apocalypse.

45
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,879
Oh, yes, we've had a tremendous
yield up the allotment this year.

46
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,359
Here, stick that in my glory hole.

47
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:34,999
Say again?

48
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,400
My glory hole.

49
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,559
Er, you mean cupboard.

50
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,879
You say cupboard, I say glory hole.

51
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,639
It's hardly tomato-tomayto, is it?

52
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,679
Your mother and I had tremendous use
out of a glory hole over the years.

53
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,199
Do you remember that list
of words and phrases

54
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,959
where I explained to you over years
the meaning has changed?

55
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,839
Sometimes quite drastically.

56
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,519
Yes...

57
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:57,920
Forget it.

58
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:01,880
Ohh.

59
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,679
I'm going to have to take him
to the tailor's.

60
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,079
Hopefully Alfonso
will be able to fix him.

61
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,239
OK, I'm sorry. It was an accident.

62
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,079
How long is this going to go on for,
Richard, hey?

63
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,359
You skulking about the house
in secret.

64
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,319
I mean, honestly, so what?
You got sacked.

65
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,599
I didn't get sacked.

66
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,399
Me and the producers mutually agreed
that my character

67
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:29,119
would best serve the story
by... not being a part of it.

68
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,799
I mean, you're still a young man.
I'm 39.

69
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,839
Oh, come on,
you've got all your own hair.

70
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,360
You've got a lovely smile.

71
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,079
Anything else?

72
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,479
Did I mention the hair?

73
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,040
PHONE VIBRATES

74
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,039
Sally. Hi.

75
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:49,359
Richard, hi. Nothing's come in.
Right. Same time next week?

76
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,239
Oh, Benedict, darling!

77
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,839
She's trying out a new system
to save time.

78
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,559
Listen.

79
00:03:55,560 --> 00:04:00,359
Why don't you come up your mother's
old allotment with me today, hey?

80
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,799
You used to like it up there,

81
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,559
and I could do with your help
to move one or two things.

82
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,239
What if Emily sees me?
Oh, just tell her the truth.

83
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,799
I'm sure she won't mind.

84
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,359
I've been sending her photos of me
and other actors on set

85
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,079
for the last three months now.

86
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,359
I've had to do
four Photoshop tutorials.

87
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,839
You can't hide away forever.

88
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,879
You'll need to take a leaf
out of my book.

89
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,879
I'm up that allotment every day
getting my steps in,

90
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,919
tilling the soil,
feeling the sun on my face.

91
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,679
I'm even an admin on
the Forres What Is App group.

92
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,719
It's WhatsApp,
and everyone's an admin.

93
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,959
Well, at least come to the town hall
with me tonight. What for?

94
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,959
What for, he says! What for?!

95
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,759
The Save Our Allotment campaign,

96
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,519
to stop the council chucking us
off the land

97
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,599
and selling it
to some bloody developer!

98
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,759
I didn't know
they were going to do that.

99
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,519
Come on, son.

100
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,360
I could use your help.

101
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,239
I'm sorry, Dad.

102
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,640
I can't.

103
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,559
Well, you're going to have to leave
the house at some point today.

104
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:58,880
Why?

105
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,519
RICHARD SIGHS

106
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,319
HE SNEEZES, COFFIN CLATTERS

107
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,799
Will you be careful? I've got to
live in that when I'm dead.

108
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,239
I still can't believe
you've done this.

109
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,479
I don't want you spending
your money on me when I'm dead.

110
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,679
This is an investment
in your future.

111
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,759
Stocks would have been fine.
HE SNEEZES

112
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,839
Remind me to take you off
my pallbearer list, will you?

113
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,319
It's the pollen.
I've not been exposed for a while.

114
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,559
Oh... And pull those trousers up,
Richard.

115
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,200
What are people going to think?

116
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,160
CAR HORN TOOTS

117
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,119
All right, Mr Pritch.

118
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,760
Hello, Emily, love.

119
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,399
Is everything OK?

120
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,799
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, aye, aye, aye.

121
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,239
OK.

122
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,639
Um... I'm going to have to get
that holdall I leant you back.

123
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:59,200
I'm going away for the weekend,
and... that is a coffin.

124
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,479
Yes, yes, it is, aye.

125
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,159
John Docherty?

126
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,159
Yes!

127
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,839
Thought it might be.

128
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,279
Well, as far as coffins go...

129
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,999
Yes, I'm actually very pleased
with it myself.

130
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,519
MUFFLED SNEEZE

131
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,320
Apart from the fact
it keeps doing that.

132
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,040
Emily! Hi.

133
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,800
How are things?

134
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,719
So... you're back?

135
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,119
Yeah.

136
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,319
Yeah, I just got
a couple of days off,

137
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,279
so I thought I'd come back,
see the old man.

138
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,039
Old man? Who's that?

139
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,199
You. Oh, charming.

140
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,879
Old man. Ha! There you go.

141
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,559
Thank you.

142
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,840
Oh...

143
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,399
Oh, I'll take that.

144
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,320
Jeez.

145
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,759
So, off anywhere nice?

146
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,719
Er, just the Lake District.

147
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,239
I've booked myself into a spa.

148
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,040
Who are you going with?

149
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,399
No-one.

150
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,520
Just a bit of me time.

151
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,999
I'm enjoying all the photos
from set.

152
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,599
Good.

153
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,879
What's Kelly Macdonald like?

154
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,759
She's a total sweetheart. Mm-hm?
Mm-hm.

155
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,759
Yeah, and a very generous performer.

156
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,599
Aww. Hmm. Cool.

157
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,199
What about, um, Robert Carlyle?

158
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,839
Nightmare. Oh.

159
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,879
Well, I mean,
it's an amazing cast to be part of.

160
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,879
I've actually got a scene
with Martin Compston tomorrow,

161
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,519
so I'm flying back tonight. Wow!

162
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,039
Gosh, is there any Scottish actor
NOT in this show?

163
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,519
I could name one.

164
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,639
And this... this look.

165
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,320
Yeah, it's...

166
00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:01,079
I'm playing this detective
who's got a lot of inner pain.

167
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,720
Is that because his
washing machine's broken?

168
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:11,399
Um, right, well, I...
I should really...

169
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,679
I'll see you out. Yeah.
See you later, Mr Pritch.

170
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,000
Enjoy!

171
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,399
I love Martin Compston.

172
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,120
Can you get me a selfie?

173
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,399
Definitely. That's easy.

174
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:26,519
Um...

175
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,639
I mean, he doesn't let many people
into his inner circle, Marty.

176
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,719
That's what he lets me call him.

177
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:32,959
Um...

178
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,559
But I think he's taking
a bit of a shine to me,

179
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,559
so, yeah,
I'll definitely get that selfie.

180
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,479
Thanks.

181
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,759
It was nice to see you.

182
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,159
And you.

183
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:45,800
Bye, Emily.

184
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,040
Bye, Richard.

185
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,920
That worked out well.

186
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,639
How's that, exactly?

187
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,999
Now she knows you're back, you can
come up the allotment with me.

188
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,920
HE CRUNCHES

189
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,039
All right, Richie!
What are you doing back?

190
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,360
Digsy.

191
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,280
What am I like, eh?

192
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,719
There he is. Dr Sparrow. All right?

193
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,559
Ian, Jen, how are you both?

194
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:35,919
Oh, grand.

195
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,799
We're actually just off
to marriage counselling.

196
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,119
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

197
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,799
Oh, no! Nothing wrong
with our marriage. No.

198
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,079
No, the counsellor's moved up
here from London

199
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,119
and we want to see what her house
looks like.

200
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,239
60 grand she spent doing it up.

201
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,199
Oh, isn't it exciting? Excuse us,

202
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,919
we don't want to be late.

203
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,240
DIGSY: Just saying there,
what am I like?

204
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,239
Are you wearing aftershave?

205
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,479
No, I'm not, but I wish you were.

206
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,560
Stink coming off you!

207
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,199
Richard Pritchard.

208
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,919
Mr Williams.

209
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,639
Oh, come now, Horace.

210
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,599
We're not in drama class any more.

211
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,119
So, my protege returns.

212
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,559
I presume all the letters of thanks
for the success you've had

213
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,119
over the years
were lost in the post.

214
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,159
Oh, I wouldn't call it success.

215
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:42,959
So, what news from the front,
AKA Shaftesbury Avenue?

216
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,039
Does she ask for me?

217
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,479
I wouldn't know.

218
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,599
At the moment I'm very much round
the corner in the ITV3 cul-de-sac.

219
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,519
How's it been since...?

220
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,159
Since the headmaster caught me
with a bottle of peach schnapps

221
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,399
in the janitor's cupboard?

222
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,719
Well, I was going to say
early retirement, but...

223
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,559
Well, as you can see, I'm thriving!

224
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:04,639
I pay �28 a year
to sit here, drink wine,

225
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,759
enjoy the view.

226
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,999
So, you tell me who's winning!

227
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,159
Uh...

228
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,679
I think you'll find that's me.

229
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:16,519
Would you care to join me
for a glass of Chateauneuf-du-Pape?

230
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,959
Well, like when you asked me that
at school,

231
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,799
it's a little early for me.

232
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:26,439
Kenneth, you'll be at the town hall
tonight, I presume?

233
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,199
Oh, yes, yes, we'll be there,
in force.

234
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,919
I've organised a strategy meeting
beforehand.

235
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,199
I thought the pub would be good.

236
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,519
SOFTLY: Thought you might.

237
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:40,319
Well, listen, it's... it's been
great to catch up.

238
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,239
Quickly, quickly,
can we just do this? Right.

239
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,800
Step this way. Up here.

240
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,759
Bloody hell.

241
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,119
That was quick.

242
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,199
Can we get this over with?

243
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,680
I want to be home for Tipping Point.
There you go.

244
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,679
This is what you needed help moving?

245
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,159
Uh-huh. It's heavier than it looks.

246
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,679
I'll find you. I will find you.

247
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,679
Has that guy got a gun?
Och, aye, it's just Paul.

248
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,959
Somebody's been
stealing his radishes.

249
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,119
So he's just walking about
with a gun?

250
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,359
Oh, it's not a gun,
it's an air rifle.

251
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,239
I mean, you can't do a lot of damage
shooting air, can you?

252
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,359
That's not what an air rifle is.
Yes, yes, there you go.

253
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,080
I'll put the kettle on.

254
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,199
HE GROANS

255
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,159
Put a bit of bump and grind into it!

256
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,639
What?

257
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,839
A bit of bump and grind.

258
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,640
We're updating that list of words
and phrases tonight.

259
00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,039
Got you, you filthy tea leaf!
What are you doing?!

260
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,359
Paul, I've detained the suspect!

261
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,999
No, there's been a...
Agh! Paul! No, no, no!

262
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,559
...a misunderstanding!

263
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,239
Oh, misunderstanding, is it?

264
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,039
Let me explain! Where is he?

265
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,399
Oh, good, the gun's here now. This
must be your radish thief, Paul.

266
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,799
I mean, look at the state of him!

267
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,479
Hey, I've been having
a bit of a rough time lately.

268
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,839
Shut it! OK.

269
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,680
Do you know how long it takes
to grow a radish?

270
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,479
Sorry, is that a real question?

271
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,479
60 days in total!

272
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,759
60.

273
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,279
It's not bad, actually.

274
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,719
Aye, well, they are one
of the fastest-growing vegetables,

275
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,279
to be fair.

276
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,399
That's why I like them.

277
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,359
But you keep nicking them!

278
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:37,600
Everything OK?

279
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,719
Could you please stop doing that?!

280
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,599
Oh...

281
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,200
Beth seems...

282
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,359
...nice.

283
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,919
Oh, yeah, she is.

284
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,239
She's a lovely woman.

285
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,319
Lost her husband about a year ago.

286
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,280
Did they check the body
for rake marks?

287
00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:00,519
She actually moved up here from
England to be closer to her son.

288
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,319
What's that?

289
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,999
Oh, that? That's...

290
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,359
That's something your mother
left me.

291
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,640
It's a kind of gardening
encyclopaedia, you know.

292
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,560
She didn't want me
to let the place go to ruin.

293
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,239
Mind you, I nearly did.

294
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,239
I just... Oh...

295
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,599
I couldn't face coming up here
without her, you know?

296
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,959
I know, Dad.

297
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,119
Aye, that's right.
Well, there you are.

298
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,800
Life moves on, eh?

299
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,519
I knew it.

300
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,599
It was aftershave.

301
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,119
Give me that!

302
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,799
Loveburn.

303
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,479
I think you can get
a cream for that.

304
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,439
That's private!
It was written on the bottle.

305
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,319
Written on the bottle!

306
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,640
Nosing at people's stuff.

307
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,919
How would you like it if I stuck
my nose into your affairs?

308
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,400
No, you wouldn't like it then,
would you?

309
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,719
SHE SIGHS

310
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,479
Hi, uh, Beth. We didn't really get
a chance to meet...

311
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,999
...mainly because you were
assaulting me with a rake, but...

312
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,599
I'm sorry about that.

313
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,559
I thought you were a hobo.

314
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,959
Oh, no, not a hobo.

315
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,799
A scaghead, is that the one?

316
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:17,039
Oh, I can't believe
I attacked Dr Sparrow!

317
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,079
Don't worry about it.
I love Detective Manners.

318
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,879
Me and the girlies used to get
together every Sunday night

319
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,839
with a bottle of wine and try
and guess who the killer was.

320
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,439
Apart from Rachinda.

321
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,599
The wine, I mean. She's Muslim.

322
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,119
Mmm. But lovely. Well, yeah.
Oh, did that sound racist?

323
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,639
Um... I can't keep up now, Richard.

324
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,359
Look at toilets. I mean,
what's going on with them now?

325
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:43,159
And people, they say it's your
responsibility to educate yourself,

326
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,439
go online. Go where?

327
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,719
I'm only on the Facebook and we're
all as confused as each other.

328
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,199
I better head off
before I get cancelled, I think.

329
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,319
I just want everyone to be happy.
Sure.

330
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,199
Things change so quickly,
and what if I say the wrong thing?

331
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,839
God, they don't give you
a second chance these days,

332
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,959
and I never mean any harm. Oh...

333
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:05,359
But sometimes my mouth
runs on ahead of my brain.

334
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,200
PHONE CHIMES

335
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,279
Sorry about that.

336
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,679
No, don't... don't apologise.

337
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,879
PHONE CHIMES
Oh!

338
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,239
BOTH: Strategy meeting!

339
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,759
PHONES CHIME

340
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,159
EXCITED GIGGLING

341
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,079
CHIMING CONTINUES

342
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,599
Are you... Are you going to turn
them off or...? Oh, yes, yes, aye.

343
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,319
Let me see now. It's...
Yeah, you just...

344
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,679
You... No, you just press that.
Which?

345
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,079
You just press that button.
Which button? You just...

346
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,239
You're just unlocking the phone,
not conducting an orchestra.

347
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,159
What do I press here, Richard,
is it snooze or stop?

348
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,799
Oh, my God, there's two of them.

349
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,120
AIR RIFLE SHOT, SHRIEK

350
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,039
A Dubonnet and lemonade.

351
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,200
Sorry again, Horace.

352
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,039
Shot you in the eye, then,
did he, Horace?

353
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,439
Well, the doctor thought
he didn't really need the eye patch,

354
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,439
but Horace insisted.

355
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,239
So, it was Mr Williams
who was stealing your radishes?

356
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,359
Oh, I didn't mean to shoot him.

357
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,639
The air rifle must have been faulty.

358
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,559
Fawlty Towers.

359
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,839
Oh, I loved that.

360
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,199
Were you in that one, Richard?

361
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,799
What?! Shall we begin?

362
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,599
I must say I thought there'd be
a bigger turnout tonight.

363
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,119
I'm sorry, Horace,
my son was going to come,

364
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,999
but he's on holiday
with his partner.

365
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,719
He's a personal trainer, Richard,

366
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,359
if ever you felt like
pulling yourself together.

367
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:30,199
First point of order, I think I
should speak on our behalf tonight.

368
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,919
Really? Even with the eye patch?

369
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,959
What's the matter, Richard? Worried
you won't have top billing now?

370
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,279
I know these allotments.

371
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,559
I know their stories.

372
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,519
Take Glenda,
she took her stroke there.

373
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,119
Remember that, Glenda?

374
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:49,119
Well, not really,
because of the stroke.

375
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:50,839
You live alone.

376
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,159
If it had happened at home,
you'd be dead.

377
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,679
Well, the doctor said
it was only a small one.

378
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,639
You'd be deceased, Glenda!

379
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,159
Oh, right.

380
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,119
One might even say it was
a stroke of good luck.

381
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:03,999
I'd rather you didn't. OK.

382
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,839
Paul, you were an addict.

383
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,319
Well, you're always an addict,
Horace.

384
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,999
But, yes, since I took up
the allotment two years ago,

385
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,639
I have been free of all drugs.

386
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:16,999
Oh!

387
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,080
Well done.

388
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,720
OTHERS GASP

389
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,359
Ahh! Right, whose round is it?

390
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,079
I am one with the allotment.

391
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,639
I am the gentle breeze that
blows through.

392
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,719
I am the morning dew on the lawns.

393
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,479
Oh, I wondered who that was.

394
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,359
Well, I think we should maybe
still have a vote on it.

395
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,119
Would you still want to vote
if you heard me say,

396
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,399
"Daffodils, that came before
the swallow dare,

397
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:55,359
"and took the winds
of March with beauty"?

398
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,719
Yeah. Yeah. I... I think
we should still have a vote.

399
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,839
It's... It's the eye patch. Yeah.
Yeah. It's the eye patch for me.

400
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:06,879
OK, so, everyone who thinks that
Horace should speak for us tonight,

401
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,680
raise your hands.

402
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,519
Very well.

403
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,399
Who DO you think should
speak on our behalf?

404
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,039
Well, I think it should be somebody

405
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,999
who's not afraid of being on stage,

406
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,519
who can maybe sort of, you know,

407
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:29,240
learn their lines in...
in a professional way.

408
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,119
Absolutely not!

409
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,239
Oh, come on, it's only for tonight.

410
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:35,639
You're a performer.

411
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,679
You're used to dealing with crowds.

412
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,519
Oh, I am a performer.

413
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,439
Aye, and a very good one too.
Well, you know,

414
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,039
I've always said it's about finding
the truth in whatever...

415
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,559
I know what you're doing,
and I'm not falling for it.

416
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,999
Aww. Listen, if you won't do it
for me, do it for your mother.

417
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,799
She made me promise to look after
the place and she did say,

418
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,799
"Try and get Richard to help
if you can."

419
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,199
It's funny how I was never privy to
these apparent conversations.

420
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,959
She said you'd say that.

421
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,799
Peach schnapps, please, Jen.

422
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,279
Aye.

423
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:11,120
Always the understudy,
never the starring role.

424
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,600
Good to have you back, Richard.

425
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,159
One lager and one double gin.

426
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,799
Lovely. Dr Sparrow.

427
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,119
I cannot wait for the new show
to come out.

428
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,079
I've been learning Norwegian.

429
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,159
It's in English, Jen.

430
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,519
What?! Oh, well,
we're still looking forward to it.

431
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,239
And I think someone might be
replacing Pylon Paul

432
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,839
at number one on the wall of fame.

433
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,239
God rest his soul.

434
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,439
Well, no, he's not dead, love.

435
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,200
But he has learned his lesson.

436
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,559
Oh. Completely converted
the basement, she has, Richard.

437
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,599
Who? The marriage counsellor.

438
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,439
Yeah, that's where
she has her appointments.

439
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,999
She's actually booked us in
for next week.

440
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,799
Thinks we have some deep-rooted,
unsolved issues

441
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,719
we need to work through.

442
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,120
And we only went in for a nosy!

443
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:14,160
Uh, that will be �12.45, please,
including the peach schnapps.

444
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:19,280
THEY GROAN

445
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,960
Oh, you're back!

446
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:38,119
Someone told me if you're
nervous about making a speech,

447
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,799
you should imagine
the audience naked.

448
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,159
Never worked for me.

449
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,039
I remember looking at everybody
during my husband's eulogy

450
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:51,480
thinking, "You should be ashamed
of yourself, turning up like that.

451
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,959
"Where's your respect?"

452
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:58,639
Oh! Oh, my God. It's my Tim.

453
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,039
Tim! Tim! Over here!

454
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,119
Everyone, my son's here.

455
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:07,079
Oh, here he is now.

456
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:08,919
Hi. Tim. First name?

457
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,319
Tim.

458
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,519
You're called Tim?
I'm sorry, I got confused.

459
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,319
What is your first name? Richard.

460
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,719
Hi, Richard.

461
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,079
What are you doing here?
You're meant to be on holiday.

462
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,799
Oh, bloody car broke down.

463
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,799
We had to get towed back
from Inverness.

464
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,559
Still, it means that
I can be here with you now.

465
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,639
Yeah. So, where's your lovely lady?

466
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,080
Oh, she's coming. Oh, there she is.

467
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,639
Hi, everyone.

468
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,959
Mr Pritch.

469
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,719
So, did Richard get back OK?

470
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,160
Well, he scurried under the table
quick enough.

471
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,439
Hi, Richard. Hi, Emily.

472
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,879
Just under the table at the moment.
Mm-hm.

473
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,799
Hi, dude, are you OK?

474
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,719
Hi. Yeah, I was just saying
to Emily -

475
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,759
I'm just under the table
at the moment.

476
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,359
Cool.

477
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:03,039
So, are you two...?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

478
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,919
Great. That's great to hear.

479
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,279
That's us...

480
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,279
That's us going in now, son.

481
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,439
I'm just going to have
a minute here.

482
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,399
So, do you want us
to just leave you here?

483
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,200
If you wouldn't mind.

484
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,560
SHE SIGHS

485
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:35,519
He shouldn't be too much longer now.

486
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:37,439
Maybe we should reschedule?

487
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:40,719
No need. I am fully prepared.

488
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,919
You can just speak from the floor, sir.

489
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,919
Well, I'm up here now.

490
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,559
We must take the current
as it serves

491
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,159
or lose our ventures.

492
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,359
Well, that's him here.
This is him. He's here now.

493
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:58,199
That's him. Why do I even bother?!
Absolute waste of time!

494
00:23:58,200 --> 00:23:59,960
Break your legs.

495
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,759
Um, sorry, everyone.

496
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,200
Sorry, everyone.

497
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,279
Uh... OK.

498
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:14,759
We are here to... to ask you...
Nay, demand.

499
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,279
Well, ask. Let's ask first.

500
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,119
...that you don't chuck us
off the land.

501
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,199
I don't know what you've
got planned for it.

502
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,639
A big Waitrose.

503
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,079
A big Waitrose? Seriously?
Is that...? That is fan...

504
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:29,480
That's not on! That is not on,
we're not going to stand for that.

505
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,119
You just take your Waitrose
and your extensive dip selection,

506
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,519
and you take that elsewhere, OK?

507
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,959
I mean, look, all we're here to do
is to ask you...

508
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,279
...really to agree
to give us more time

509
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,839
before making any decisions, OK?

510
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:50,519
These allotments, they mean a lot
to people, to me, to the town.

511
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,319
I mean, I'm from the town.

512
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,519
I'm from Forres.

513
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:59,919
You know, as much as I fight
against it, I am from Forres.

514
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,439
Ich bin ein Forres-er!

515
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,199
SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

516
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,319
We're all Forres-ers, yeah?
SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

517
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,479
Yeah. I mean,
my mum was from Forres.

518
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,399
You know, your mum was from Forres.

519
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,079
Your mum was from Forres. Yeah!

520
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,759
And your mum was from... Forres!

521
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,559
Forres, yeah,
I don't know why I paused then.

522
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,159
The point is, we ARE Forres,

523
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:23,839
and for you to build a Waitrose,

524
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,359
you're going to have to go
through us first! ALL: Yeah!

525
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:28,999
Yeah!

526
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,919
CHEERING

527
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,399
And...

528
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,119
...I never went to Norway!

529
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:36,839
AUDIENCE MURMURS

530
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,320
Well, I did, but I got fired.

531
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,999
Sorry for not telling you.

532
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,239
Jen, I'm sorry.

533
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,640
TRANSLATED:

534
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,639
All right, Richie?
All right, Digsy.

535
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,959
Do you want some radishes?

536
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,559
Uh, no, I'm all right.

537
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,239
I don't even know why I nicked them,
to be honest.

538
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,439
See you in a bit, mate.

539
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,680
See you later.

540
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,000
Ey up.

541
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,320
Why didn't you just tell me?

542
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:23,079
I think I can cope with everyone
else thinking I'm a failure...

543
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,120
...just not you.

544
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,599
I don't think you're a failure,
Richard.

545
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,720
I mean, I think you're weird.

546
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,519
It's a fair comment.

547
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:36,760
That's what I've always
liked about you.

548
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,999
So, Tim.

549
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,439
Yeah.

550
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,040
Well, I thought
you weren't coming back.

551
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,080
Sorry I didn't say anything.

552
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,159
Oh, I'd better go.

553
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,319
Um...

554
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:02,519
See you around? Now that
you're not hiding from me.

555
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:03,999
Look, I'm...

556
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,400
I'm really sorry.

557
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,479
Hello!

558
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,199
Eh...

559
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,999
A few of us
are heading to the Beastie.

560
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,879
Just me, Horace, Paul...

561
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,559
And Beth?

562
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,959
HE EXHALES

563
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,199
Well, you'd better get going, then.

564
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,879
OK.

565
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,759
You wouldn't mind taking Percy
back home with you, would you?

566
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,359
Oh, seriously?

567
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:32,679
OK.

568
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,919
Fine. Thanks, son.

569
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:38,120
I'll see you back at the house.
See you back at the house.

570
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,680
Here we go.

571
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,800
Looks like it's just me
and you, then, mate.

572
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,560
You've broken him again!

573
00:28:01,610 --> 00:28:06,160
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0